jan 1, 2017 – current situation: 4 months of no traveling.
There's a war inside my head. I am so deep in my comfort zone it’s making me fucking depressed. I feel stunted. I feel stuck. And usually when I feel this way it means I haven’t progressed forward. How many months at home (or in my comfort zone) does it take to feel this shitty?
I'm unhappy with some things. Not expanding my social circle. Not breaking through my creative block. My unpolished nails (procrastinating on getting my nails done – I mean it takes 20 minutes for goodness sake). The "living-with-parents-because-why-sign-a-lease-and-tie-myself-down" situation.
And because I’m on “hold” for the next trip, I don’t put myself out there. I’m not stepping forward in any area. I'm not seriously making the changes. I'm just kind of... pausing. What is wrong with this??? EVERYTHING.
I remember after 3 weeks in Japan I was unhappy; I packed it up and booked a flight to Taiwan. Why is it so hard to do that now? Why is it that when I’m here, at home, the smallest risk seems so DAMN BIG AND SCARY?
I’ve set my life up so that I can change its current situation VERY easily. I am the opposite of rooted. Anti-established. But after 4 months of being home it’s starting to feel like I’m subconciously growing roots in a place and situation that I don’t want, frantically chopping off those roots again and again.
I've heard some say we need roots to grow.
I say, kill the roots! We’re not trees for fuck’s sake. Don’t wait around for the opportunity. Keep moving and create it.
Hopefully I’m “adult” enough to realize that moments of frustration like these lead up to a TIPPING POINT. Right before something drastic happens or something great begins. I’ve had a few of these in the past 26 years of my life. Moments I remember clearly. Moments I look back on and knew a decision has been made in my heart long before weighing the options.
I’d rather lose sight of my comfort zone than be stuck right in the middle of it. It's great to learn exactly where your comfort zone is so in due time you can step out of its boundaries.
Still, that doesn’t stop me from the deep gratitude I feel for my family and their support, and of course life in America has its privileges. Growing older, it's dawned on me that no matter how great of a situation we think we're in, there's always some days that will just suck. And that it's okay to feel unhappy for some of those days, as long as it doesn't keep spiraling downward. It's part of life. And life goes on. *cue Fergie's song*